(This is one of James's birthday Invitation pictures! More to see in the next blog!)
Alrighty folks, so this blog took a little bit longer for me to get to than I originally planned, but because of that, I'll try to make it long and elaborate and hopefully awesome.
So to prep for this blog I rounded up a few fellow moms on Facebook to get their opinions on a few things. I wanted to see if some of my theories proved true, as well as just take in how many different parenting styles there are. So with that said, below I'm going to post all of the questions that I asked in my Q&A, with my own thoughts and answers, as well as a few answers from the mothers that took this survey (They will remain anonymous.)
Q: What age do you think people should be before planning to have children?
To be honest, I think this was almost a trick question. "Planning" is one thing, a "surprise!" is quite another. Babies happen, obviously, or there wouldn't be so many teen mother's and we wouldn't be having this discussion. But the point of this question was to see if, IF we were to actually sit down with our partners and say "Hey, let's have babies." what age would we start to do that? My answer? I don't think there really is an age. Sure, let's wait until after high school, and maybe until after college, but mostly I think that if you know you're financially stable and you can look at a baby and not just see how cute it is, but also see the puke, poop, diaper rash, and your money being flushed down the drain, then you're ready for a baby!
A few more answers included....
" I don't think age has anything to do with it. I think that the parents should have their life pretty well together, they aren't dysfunctional, and have the right financials to start a family. Once the basic essentials for a family have been covered, then consideration of a child being brought into this world should be discussed. Age shouldn't be what we should think about. Maturity should be what we should go off of."
"I think it all depends on the person. Logically you should wait til you graduate college or start a career and have been with your partner for several years and think the relationship can handle a baby. So probable about 25-30"
Q: Upon finding out that you were pregnant, were you nervous about informing your friends and family? Why or why not?
I think the long answer to this is "I bawled my eyes out for hours freaking out about how I was going to tell my parents, my grandparents, and everyone who ever thought that I was a good person because now they're going to look down at me and think I'm not going to make it anywhere in life, and oh my god I can't breathe." The short answer is yes, it was terrifying. However, there was one person above all else that I was really scared to tell, and that's my Grandpa. In my family, I've always been the one with the good grades, I've never been in trouble, I never partied, and my grandpa was proud of me for that. I was always the one that he talked about on his fishing trips or whenever he was handing out with his buddies. So when that dreaded phone call came I couldn't speak, I just blubbered and sobbed as I tried to answer his questions. I was finally able to muster up enough sense to say sorry for disappointing him, which is when the conversation changed. He said, "I'm not disappointed in you. Babies are always a gift. I just wish you would've been married first."So I obviously cried more, but it gave me some relief to know that hey, I'm pregnant, but I'm still loved.
Answers to this question included...
"Upon finding out that you were pregnant, were you nervous about informing your friends and family? Why or why not? I was nervous about telling my family cuz i had always been the one to be the trouble maker and to mess everything up but i was emancipated and lived on my own so i was the only person to rely on and to figure it out and i did it ."
" I was excited, but nervous to tell my mom. I thought she would be mad and disappointed cuzni wasnt married and hadnt got through college. But turns out she was happy and excited for a grand baby."
Another thing I wanted to mention about this question is that nearly everyone that submitted an answer said that they were really nervous to tell at least someone. At the same token, nearly everyone said that that person wasn't mad, at least not forever, and was eventually excited for the baby to arrive.
Q: What was your pregnancy like? Was it how you expected it would be?
Seeing as I have an entire blog dedicated to this answer, I'll keep is short and sweet. I had heartburn and morning sickness my whole pregnancy and I was a hormonal wreck. I thought by 'glowing' I'd be happy when in reality I was just sweating. No, it was not AT ALL what I expected.
Other answers included...
"Mine was pretty easy, except 3 days before the due date found out he was breech."
"My pregnancy was really easy. What made me take a pregnancy test was because I was randomly throwing up but i felt fine. So I had morning sickness till I got on the prenatal vitamins and than it stopped. I expected pregnancy to be worse."
"I had gestational diabetes my whole pregnancy and morning sickness for the first 5 months and heartburn the whole time..it wasnt what i expected but my 1st one was way better then my other 3 were. I'm a mother of four."
Q: Was your baby premature, right on schedule, or over due? Did you have a natural birth or a c-section?
Baby James was overdue! (As I've mentioned in previous blogs) and due to being 9 pounds seven and a half ounces, we had to have a c-section. It's a different kind of pain, and my scar is still numb ten months later, but I think I handled it pretty well.
" I had to have a last minute c section cuz he was breech, and I went into labor at 12am the night before. "
"My baby was 6 1/2 weeks early due to me having gestational diabetes and I delivered naturally with no pain meds "
" The doctor had given me two due dates and my baby was born right in between the two. I had an easy labor. I went to the hospital at 9:30am and had my baby at 12:07pm. I had him naturally with no epidural. "
Q: Were you happy with the care you received while in the hospital?
No. Just no. I had a doctor who made me feel extremely stupid every single time I asked a question. Had I been able to reach the scalpel, he may not have lived. Also, if a doctor EVER tells you that Pitocin doesn't make your labor more painful, he's f****** lying.
"Yes Mercy was wonderful and very helpful"
"I had him in my home town and I had a midwife. I was really pleased with the care I received by my midwife and the nurses."
Q: The first few moments you spend with your child can be confusing. What were your first thoughts upon holding your child? Did the reality that you were now a parent sink in right away?
For me, no. I was still stunned. I've always had a really tough time developing bonds, so it took me a few minutes to really grasp the fact that this little person was my blood, my responsibility, and my baby, when I still called my mom to know how long to bake pork chops in the oven. At the same time, even though I was unsure of my new role as a parent, I know that if anyone would have tried to take James away, I would've been outraged.
"My first thought when I held my baby was how i was going to make sure to be the best mom I could and make everything right for her. Reality hit when I her in my arms that she was mine and going to need me and that I was going to be doing it all on my own"
"The reality sank in right away that I was a mom but I was so happy. That was the best moment in my life seeing my son for the first time"
Q: The first few weeks at home are the hardest. What kinds of things did you learn during this time? Was there anything that you weren’t expecting at all during this time?
As much as my mom had told me that I wasn't going to sleep, I didn't realize that it would be THAT bad. I require eight hours of sleep to function, so the fact that I was getting 2 or 3 hours a night for the first several months was enough to push me to the edge of insanity. Even with James being nearly ten months old, we still have nights where James wakes up 5 or more times a night. This, is where having a boyfriend/fiance/spouse comes in handy. Jesse does most of the footwork at night, for which I'm eternally grateful.
"I learned how to do about 5 things at once all while holding a newborn"
"I learned to sleep when she did and not to hold her all the time and to put her on a schedule..I didn't expect to feel so drained and depressed."
Q: It takes two to tango! Has your baby’s father shown his support through out this process, whether you’re together or not? If you aren’t together, does he still actively participate in your child’s life?
Seeing as Jesse's in my life and I've made that clear, we'll jump straight to the anonymous answers.
"Even though I have been a single mother since day one I had friends and family help me out soooo much the first few weeks. I was very thankful and lucky. I didn't expect him to steal my heart so quickly that's the only thing that was unexpected"
" He [My husband] works a lot, so he gets to spend the evenings with our son, but I do most of the care."
And an answer from a currently expecting mother...
"My baby's father has been amazing through the process so far. He has 2 prior children and knows the routine. He's helping out more, tries to make it to my doctor appointments, and tries to limit the stress on me."
Q: What’s something that you found difficult to deal with the first few months your child was home? (Whether it be jobs, family issues, or a cranky baby)
All of the above. We moved, had to find new jobs, had a ton of trouble with relatives and bills, and James was a handful at times to top it all off. I also found it really difficult to cope with stress after letting it build up so much. To cope, we try to handle our issues as they occur and talk about them as soon as possible to avoid a major fight down the road.
(This next answer refers to family issues) "His dad chooses not to be a part of my sons life and that's OK. And I also don't make him pay child support, I figure if he doesn't want to be a part of his life then I'll support and raise him 100% alone and he can just act like he doesn't have a son."
"Trying to plan ahead for meals and when I could get a shower in" (This couldn't be more true)
"I had a hard time getting a job after he was born. I didn't go to work until he was almost 4 months old"
Q: Alright. So especially with younger people, the recreational use of drugs and under age drinking about become quite the fad. In theory or in reality, if you were to do either of these things, how do you think your actions would affect your child? Is it something you promote for your child?
Now these questions are the ones that I was really interested in seeing answers for. We've all heard the expression "Do as I say, not as I do." and I think with this subject especially, it couldn't be any closer to the truth. Now that we're older, our parents have probably admitted to using drugs when they were younger or drinking with friends when they were in high school, even when most of them told us that 'you're better than that' and 'drinking is for idiots'. But didn't most of us do it anyway? Sure, I never drank, nor have I ever done drugs, but I know that in these times, I'm in the minority. So I wanted to see if those who have admitted to drug use as a teenager, would be for or against it now that they have their own children. Would they still have the mindset of "It's only high school." or would they be against it now? Here's the results...
"You could lose your children, your children could get hurt or injured, not including the emotional and psychological pain the child goes through as they grow up from being exposed to it. They grow up thinking that is the norm and its not.."
"The child would be affected in several different ways. When you are ready to be a parent, you aren't going to want think of when you get to drink next, or do any kind of drug. You're [hopefully] going to think of your child first. If you do think of these things, your head isn't going to be clear. Even if you haven't done them for a day or two, it takes longer to get out of your system. It's not a healthy way for a child to grow up."
"[If I did drugs] I would probably start letting anybody watch him and wouldn't care. Anything could happen to babies when you get wreckless. And I couldn't do that to my son."
All of the answers I received for this question looked similar to the ones above. I was almost hoping to see one that said 'power to ya, drugs are cool' but it's clear that even those who may have participated in drug use in the past, don't promote it to their children, and don't believe that drugs belong in a home where children dwell.
I still have to say that one of the greatest moments, or the moment that still sticks out the most to me, has to be at the hospital when James was only a few days old. The nurse was about to give him a bath and Jesse and I were watching so we would know how to do it safely in the future. James was screaming so much that his entire little body was shaking. Jesse and I were both just standing there with that "I don't know what I should do" look on our faces. James was still screaming when the nurse put on his diaper, wrapped him up in a blanket, and said "Here ya go, mama." The moment I had him in my arms he stopped screaming. It was instantaneous. It was the very first time that I knew for certain that James and I had created a bond, and it was the closest thing to magic that I've ever seen.
" Every time my son smiles at me. Those are the greatest moments ever. And when he learned how to crawl I cried. Being a parent is so emotional."
"When she graduated high school it was a struggle and a challenge but she did it and it was one of the greatest days of my life"
"Seeing her smile at me after I've been struggling to calm her down. Her smile is like she's rewarding me for trying, and it feels great"
Q: Is their anything about teen parenthood especially that you think most people really don’t understand? Are there any misconceptions that you’d like to clear up?
Below are two answers that really stuck out for me. It pretty much sums up what I feel about teen parenthood, as well as the common misconceptions that people have.
"People think its how to get their highschool sweetheart to stay with them. They want to play house but that isn't the case. Most young parents don't stay together."
"Teen parenthood is not like what they show on TV. Its not easy but it is one of the most rewarding jobs you'll ever have. Its not all the glitz and glamour like they make it out to be. The state doesnt pay your way when you get pregnant like a lot of young girls think around here. It doesnt work that way, a baby is hard work. There are teen moms that do go to school and work and raise their child to make sure their baby will have a better life and those are the ones that have seen that life isnt just handed to them; that if they want things to get better they have to change it. They dont rely on anyone else and have their childs best interest first."
I want to give a HUGE thank you to all of the mothers that participated in this survey. It gave me a lot of insight into what's important to other moms, their fears, their accomplishments, and got me to see a few things in a different light! Parenting is hard, even with Jesse around, and to see a lot of these women doing it on their own??? I give them mad props.
Also, if you're going to comment on any of my blogs (I would totally appreciate it) definitely comment on this one! I would LOOOOOVE to hear what you have to say and hear some of your own answers! Follow us at amazingjames.blogspot.com =]
